01 Sep Why we end up with the wrong with the wrong partner – Part II
We want to get our serotonin fix from our partners, for them to be our best friend and our soul-mate – and this is wonderful, it means we’ve abolished gender roles; finally, the individual is free.
We have decided that we want our chosen partner to be our mental pleasure partner, our snorting giggler, in other words, a partnership now is very much a BE relationship where how warm you make me feel inside is far more important than how well you wash the car, at least that is what we claim.
But here’s the problem; we still recruit a partner using DO techniques. We still show off our functional strong points while hiding our silliness and flaws, or what others see as flaws. We still say “Some stories are for your friends, not for your husband or wife”. We do this with the simplest and most innocent of pleasures. Let’s say I love to sing in public now and then and I happen to be out on a date with someone that tells me how much she hates those tacky karaoke people who think they’re rock stars and how it makes her sick just thinking about them. At that moment she turns to me and says “Please don’t tell me you’re one of them”. I would probably not reveal that I love to sing in public – even if I do. I would very much play it down and maybe say that I reluctantly get dragged to such places from time to time.
This non-lover of public singing and I may start a relationship and I would still hide or even lie about my karaoke nights out with my friends. It happens once every couple of months and why annoy her by telling her. I justify this by telling myself, “what harm am I causing by not mentioning that detail? She thinks I’m watching a football game, we’re happy and we have a great relationship, why rock the boat?”
This is currently acceptable logic and it applies to many aspects of relationship communication. Whether it’s the dislike of certain traits, supressing our true feelings towards our partners’ friends or family members, or even just the ability to honestly say what we want to do this Friday has become a habit.
When it comes to relationships, we have brainwashed ourselves into believing that compromise means editing or withholding certain thoughts when in fact the very opposite is true. Genuine compromise in a relationship can only be achieved by revealing the truth and seeing how we can pleasurably accommodate both partners based on full disclosure. It means showing your brain to your partner because toleration can only take place if there is a functional goal that cannot be achieved without coupling.
Nowadays, we can do anything without a partner and we will not be shunned from society for it. A single man or woman can get any job, take part in any activity, even become a parent and adopt a child without a partner and no one will begrudge this person such a lifestyle choice. Family and friends will not banish this man or this woman.
Men and women no longer need to be in a partnership to get a mortgage, or a membership in a social club, or have their child registered for a local school, or even follow a certain religion. Therefore, there is no functional goal left to tie two non-snorting gigglers together. If I like singing and hate Rugby and she loves Rugby but hates singing, we need to reveal our likes and dislikes to one another and go out on both dates. She must love seeing me have fun, it has nothing to do with how she feels about singing; and I must equally, effortlessly and genuinely love to see her have fun cheering in a Rugby game where she can lose herself and enjoy.
If I refuse to go to a Rugby match with her and I make her feel that she is forcing me to do something I don’t like, then I am being selfish; I am in effect saying “What’s the benefit for me?” Therefore I regard my relationship with her as a DO when on the outside I pretend it is a BE. If it was a BE relationship, I would derive pleasure purely from seeing my partner happy. I would be there to see her happy, and I should effortlessly and genuinely enjoy it, otherwise, this partnership is not suitable for our modern day needs.
Going our separate ways to find pleasure is not a great option either. Doing so means we will not have a build up of shared pleasurable moments. Such pleasurable memories form the very currency we need to get us through trickier times. If most of our pleasurable outlets are experienced apart, then we sooner or later turn our relationship into an existence void of shared pleasure. A sizeable part of our pleasurable experiences must be enjoyed in each other’s company, we do not need to love the activity itself, only love to see our partners happy.
We must enjoy seeing the other happy, not just day one, but it must be just as strong year four, five and further. Give yourself that time to see if the hope that you felt on day one has become much closer to certainty at year four. Do not have children before you feel this certainty and time is your fairest judge. If you cannot genuinely say, “I effortlessly derive pleasure just from seeing my partner happy, and this feeling is reciprocal” then whatever you do, don’t have children to enhance the staleness.
Love relationships are making their final migratory steps from DO to BE. We need to embrace this opportunity. We need to realise that our time with our partner must be far more about secreting serotonin than adrenalin. If I’m texting my friend, “I’ll call you later, I’m with her now, can’t talk freely”, it means I’m using adrenalin. This will make me seek my serotonin outside the relationship. I need to wake up and realise I’m not using techniques to find a giggling companion. And a giggling companion is what we need far more than anything else if we want to find a pleasurable loving partner to one day have kids with. To do this we need to ‘interview’ for a snorting giggler by snorting and giggling and demonstrating all it is that makes us giggle.
To attract a BE companion silliness sharing, rather than competence proving, is the way forward. Therefore, if your date tells you that he or she hates people who sing in public, grab his or her hand and go to the nearest Karaoke bar and sing your heart out. If your date says, “I think its time to call it a night” and then never wants to see you again, then you just saved your future children a lifetime of witnessing their parents bicker. If, on the other hand, your date says, “I still hate singing, but I love that smile on your face when you sing” then you may be on to something.
This is how to find a true BE love with whom you can build a home full of joy and pleasure. A home that children need, unlike the current majority of homes where Mum and Dad have become edited, censored avatars of themselves. A couple void of pleasure coexisting in their DO relationship sustained purely by captivity not pleasure.
Let’s grab this remarkable opportunity we’ve been presented to BE happy.