01 Nov Is it normal for me or my partner to think of other people while having sex with one another?
I suppose I could talk about how it’s important to find ways to spice things up by giving each other caring gestures like going on regular date nights. I could mention how it’s important to set boundaries and be honest about expectations from day one. I could talk about how communication is key therefore make sure you communicate with care and kindness and…..and so on.
But I would be lying if I said I truly believed that those are extremely important. These and many more pearls of wisdom are important, but they pale into insignificance compared to the one unspoken truth. A good analogy would be if someone said its important to have clean cutlery if you want to enjoy a meal. This is correct, however, if you burn the food, I don’t care how clean that fork is, the meal will be ruined. All such so called useful bits of advice are nothing more than society approved safety nets we put in place because historically speaking, society preferred couples to ignore red flags and persevere. We hear things such as “we need to work at it” which includes my least favourite 4 letter word associated with relationships, work.
The one unspoken truth is that the number one fundamental misunderstanding we all make — or at least 99.99% of us do — which guarantees boredom in love is to pretend we are MENTALLY MONOGAMOUS. If a good looking girl or guy catches our eye while we are in mid conversation, and our partner asks “what are you looking at?”, how many reply: “look over there, wow that’s hot”. Instead, the vast majority of us say something neutral like “nothing, I’m listening I promise, do go on”.
I can already hear the behaviour police sharpening their pencils and getting ready to embark on a sermon using words like respect, responsible and mature. What about fun, laughter, freedom of expression, play, joy, pleasure? Who’s giving that sermon? I would like to ask them one question: why do 50% of marriages end in divorce, 80% of relationships become dull and why do children witness far more joyless co-workers as parents rather than life loving friends? (source: https://www.centreforsocialjustice.org.uk )
We need to appreciate that we have a roaming brain. It is 100% natural, what is not natural is pretending we don’t. You and your partner will have mental sex with so many people every week, if not every day. Your mental partners could be friends, work colleagues, Hollywood stars the milkman, Pablo Escobar or Mary Poppins (or is that just me?). The question is, do you admit this and make it part of your banter by talking to each other just like how you would with friends? Or do you keep it to yourself and say that it’s not wise to share such thoughts with a partner because…..and here comes another of pearl…… somethings you tell your friends but not your partner?
One policy gives your love a chance to become a true fun best friendship where your nudity of the mind serves as a continuous Viagra supply, the other condemns you to be part of the vast majority who end up stale and bored. This is why affairs happen. We miss the feeling of being able to speak our mind freely, and playfully, with a lover. By the time the affair happens, we’re so hungry that even if someone says “ha ha, you’re funny”, we’d quiver and need a cigarette to calm down. Most affairs seem wonderful in the same way that a rice cake would taste amazing to a starving African. If we dare to change this policy of mental censorship, it will kick start a positive domino effect into all other areas of our relationship. If it doesn’t, then you two weren’t meant to be together to begin with and the only reason you can stay together is if you invent an avatar of yourself that communicates well with your partners corresponding avatar. It’s time we live better.
If my partner goes to some yoga class and spots a guy there who she thought was sooooooooo hot that she can’t wait to call her friend on the way back home to tell her about it and they both have fun picturing him in bed doing things to both of them, but then when I ask her “how was yoga today”, she tells me “same old thing, nothing special, I thoroughly enjoyed the stretching today, really made me breathe deeper”, it means we are not friends and our relationship is nothing more than a society approved box ticking exercise. If our relationship becomes boring, neither of us should be shocked.
However, if she comes home and says “OMG, this guy in class was vindaloo hot, I’m as horny as a horny thing that has horns everywhere, do me now, but can I print his face and put it on yours, please please please?”, then I will know that she loves me genuinely. I will know that I’m her friend, a very close friend and my response should reflect that. This freedom of expression gives both of us the licence to play. Nothing kills love more than lack of play. My response will be “great idea, get your kit off right now, but first, I’m going to print a picture of our daughter’s Spanish teacher, the one I just can’t get out of my mind since last Tuesday’s parent teacher meeting, and I’ll put it on your face and then let’s do it”.
If we can quiet down all the BS society tells us about appropriate, politically correct behaviours and actually see the love, warmth, honesty and positive connection of the above scenario, then we’ll stop the majority of children from witnessing two bored bickering co-workers and make them instead witness two life loving friends who actually laugh with each other, not just when away from each other.
Go to your partner right now and play the “who would you do it with” game, include your friends, neighbours, colleagues and even the family dentist?